and we all try to fight it

i am so blessedly lonely that i find myself crying at books that are about old toys who don't get played with anymore. I am so lonely that it is hard for me to register the feelings of other people around me. I am so lonely that I take every single reaction aimed my way and turn it into a personal rejection.
damn it. the feelings came back.
i was doing so good for awhile . . . in the loneliness factor. recently, i erred on the side of being semi-popular, and that wasn't any fun either. in fact, having a lot of people want to hang out with me made me realize just how much i desire to use other people for my own gain.
i have never thought of myself as attractive, but just recently i have begun to understand the power of a females attention. and you know what? i love boys. i really, really do. and it annoys me to no end that i care so much what they think of me.
and so, last week, i decided to knock it off. i stopped responding to witty comments, veiled suggestions, and pleas for attention. i stopped (for the most part) calling people. i spent a couple of nights at home. i hung out with my heart-numbingly normal roomates, and watched all 6 hours of Pride and Predjudice. i felt pathetic, i felt empowered, and i felt obedient.
but most of all, i felt lonely.

tonight, i helped my family set up the house for christmas. my dad was crabby, my sister hilarious, my mom all warmth and interest. it was exactly what i needed.

but we all sleep alone. and i am sure that i will get over this soon.