this summer just wasn't my summer

i just watched a documentary called "the boys of baraka." i encourage everyone to watch it, but only if you want to be both inspired and devestated at the same time. it is about a couple of 12 year old boys from baltimore that get sent to school in kenya for a year, and what ultimately happens to them. one of the boys, richard, describes coming home for the summer as this:
"this summer just wasn't my summer. it ran like water."


i started school today, and it made me realize how i am confused as to what happened with my summer. i feel like nothing was accomplished, no ends tied up, no moral or spiritual lessons discovered and applied. it just meandered on, and i tried to live each day as it came. in fact, i think i was constantly trying to make it seem or feel or be better than it actually was.

well, it was a lame summer.

i'm really excited for the fall, and not only because i get to wear a scarf and drink even more coffee and read interesting books, but because i am excited for change. school, in a way, inspires a sense of change for me. it helps me to think, and it helps me to second guess my own thought processes.

i don't live in baltimore. i don't have drug dealers or an abusive mom or cops or a dad who is in prison to deal with.

i just have clackamas.

how does it feel?

summer is winding down, and with it comes a sense of apprehension. an august sense of anticipation, muggy and thick.

last week both of my sisters were home and krispin got back from china. it was a great week, but only emphasized the troubles with loving people. people, especially those in my life, are never stationary. i have to start preparing for a perpetual state of missing people. i know, i know, i should be used to this by now. but i guess i'm not.

i am sick and tired of trying to balance everything in my life and then guiltily comeing to the throne of god to make sure that it is okay with him. something is dreadfully off in my life, because i hardly ever feel content, despite my wonderful life. so i'm scrapping it. my life plans, i mean. from here on out, i'll just do whatever the father says. i'm awfully glad he talks to me and has given me fantastic people in my life and he has also given me christ who intercedes on my behalf.

the other day in church i was having one epiphany after the other, and i decided that i sort of want to be a charismatic again. i had a bad taste of it in my mouth thanks to a former bible college that was a bit too severe in its theology but that taste is beginning to fade. i want to flow, to feel, to discern, to let go of me and mine more often.

i remember as a kid, my mom would take me to all of these tiny little charismatic vineyard churches in square concrete rooms. i remember watching in awe as people sang loudly and full of joy, as overweight women danced around waving flags, as children like myself sat quietly and absorbed the excitement of church.

i feel like that scrawny, blonde-haired kid again. i'm just sitting here, waiting quietly, absorbing the excitement of a life that i am not in charge of.

this one goes out to lindsay.

because she is the only one who reads this, evidently.
well, i've had some adventures recently, which have been great. they involved driving east, awkward conversations, interesting donoughts, police activity, and mysterious youth groups at midnight.

now, i'm off to an even bigger adventure: i am going to los angeles for a week with the abundant life youth group. i haven't been a youth leader in about 3 years. we'll see how i do.
right now i am trying to muster up enthusiasm for the 3 bands that will be playing at the conference we are going to:
superchick. jeremy camp. hawk nelson.

i don't know if i can do it. but i have to try, because i remember what highschool was like. christian pop punk got me through a lot, man. the last thing i want to do is crush the spirit of these kids, and so i need some genuine enthusiasm for the giant marketing ploy that is contemporary christian music.

scratch that cynical last paragraph. i am excited to hang out with both my sisters, to be surrounded by people with boundless energy and enthusiasm, and i am excited to be an example of what it looks like to love jesus at age 22.

22? has it really been 9 years since i first fell in love with mxpx? i feel pretty old right now.