"mordecai".

i am sitting on my bed, looking at a picture of a hawk named mordecai, feeling ecstatic at several things:
1. i evangelized tonight. in a non-smary, totally holy-spirited initiated and implemented way.
2. i just aced a test i was pretty nervous about.
3. i really, really like krispin.
4. i am going out to breakfast with my mom tomorow!
5. and it's liturgical chapel tomorrow as well!
6. AND FALL! OH MY GOSH IT REALLY IS FALL, ISN'T IT? I COULD JUST HUG SOMEBODY EVERY TIME I COME IN MY BACKYARD AND SEE THIS ONE TREE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT IS ON FIRE BECAUSE HALF OF IT IS BRIGHT YELLOW AND HALF OF IT IS BRIGHT RED, WHICH IS HOW I ALWAYS COLORED FIRE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.
ah.
i decided to be crazy tonight.
i decided to blog on a thursday night, and i decided to blog when i was in a good mood.

blame puberty.

wednesdays are the new blog days.

not only because i have the evening free, but because i am unusually reflective on wednesday afternoons.

today i had a meltdown of sorts. well, it really just entailed me lying on my bedroom floor in a patch of sunlight with my dog circling my head and me begging christ to take away my stress. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized i wasn't stressed. instead, i was afraid.

i'm afraid that i don't have the money i need to pay the lady i hit on saturday. i'm afraid that i will never have a job that i like and that pays well enough. i am afraid of an absolutely empty bank account. i am afraid that i am being half-assed in all of my classes. i am afraid of every assignment, because i know i need to be better. i am afraid of relationships. i am afraid of being dependent on people. i am afraid that god is mad at me, or at least annoyed. i am afraid that i am dissapointing everybody.

but, today was another day with the somali's. we went to the park, and the only thing i taught today was the mechanics behind swinging. once the girls figured out how to do it themselves, they were ecstatic. and then we played on the merry-go-round, the monkey bars, the slide, and the teeter-totter. i was in awe, as usual, at their boundless joy and enthusiasm. i know how horrible their lives can be, but they bounce back so quickly. little kids are resiliant things. and then i was envious. they tried to teach me how to do flips on the bars, but i couldn't do it. have you ever noticed how amazingly agile little kids are? ever since i turned 13 i have progressively felt heavier, sturdier, and thicker.

i curse puberty.

anyways, i need to get back to my mounds of schoolwork. but it is fall, the most romantic time of the year, and i have a four day weekend. what glory!

i shall be grateful.

the others

i'm tired, but i see the light at the end of the tunnel. today i prayed with an old friend, sprawled out on the carpet. i couldn't get up. i feel hopelessly inadequte, and guilt is a constant plague.

but then today i went and sat in majuma and hassan's apartment, i helped cook food for the ramadan feast, and then i sat on the couch to help the girls with their homework. hassan lay curled on the bed, sick and dying, with only a sheet to cover him. majuma was lying on the mattress next to my couch, sick with a headache, and hungry from the fasting. halima crawled up into my lap and promptly fell asleep herself. i laid my head back and soaked in the stillness for 15 minutes.

right now i am watching lost by myself, something i swore i would never do again, and i am working on a grammatical analysis of ephesians chapters 1-3. basically, it's all about the will of God in Christ.

i cry with people, i miss my family, i miss people i see everyday but only in shallow contexts, i hate my job and might actually quit this time, i feel like doing pilates on a more consistent basis, i'm experiencing the ups and downs of being in love, i'm falling asleep ever earlier, and my cat let me cuddle with it today.

thats about it, really.