you were the gift that i had always wanted, how did you know?

the other day, while cleaning my room (which hadn't been touched in over a week, and i was running out of matching socks), i happened to actually listen to the lyrics of a certain denison witmer song that i had heard over and over again without grasping what it was about.
i have been listening to christmas music for three weeks now, because i fear that i am not going to be able to wallow in the season as i normally do. i am in love with christmas time, because it is the only time that stores combine the colors red and teal, and eggnog smells so good, and because songs about christ actually play on the radio and i can't help but think that subconsciously the world starts to get an idea of the liberation that is found in him.

anyways, the song talked about how jesus was the gift that he (the singer) had always wanted. and it physically stopped me for, and i had to sit on the floor for half and hour, because it was so true. i always think i want so many things, all the time. ask anyone, especially krispin. i want food, or coffee, or sleep, or danielle time or avocados or assertiveness or a better shaped nose or shoes that help define my arch or. . . .

but when i stopped to think about it, christ really is the gift that i have always wanted. and he is already here.

how did he know?

earthquakes and snakes and killer bees

what a week.
my cat died, in front of my own eyes on my bed. it was extremely traumatic and i starting sobbing right away. clifford was my wonderful cat for 12 years, the longest we strannigans have ever kept a pet around. i hear him meowing at night now. he wasn't even sick, and i didn't see it coming.
and then there is the weather, so monsoon-y and crazy. a tree got knocked into our yard. and then, last night, there was a waterfall inside of our house.
my parents had to redo our roof (it was ancient) but the roofers didn't cover up well enough during a rainstorm and as a result ruined a bunch of the ceilings in our house. they tore down a bunch of dry wall the other day and inbetween our living room and the kitchen you can see right into the attic, wood beams and everything. well, i guess they didn't put the roof on so well again because last night, while krispin, candyce and i were watching monsoon wedding and eating chinese food, we heard the sound of rushing water inside our house. we looked over and there was a huge stream of water pouring onto the floor. we desperately grabbed pots and towels, and eventually the water stopped. this happened twice last night. my poor parents. they are on a cruise right now, and i had to call and tell them the bad news.
i think i found a hobo spider in our house.
and then there was work today, full of early hours and new people to train and mean mean ladies who yelled at me on the phone for things that were not my fault.
thanks for reading this. i just sortof needed to complain for a little bit.

socialista

so i got this eye crud and it randomly makes different parts of my eyelid swell up and hurt really bad and itch like crazy and i look like a deranged pirate, especially when i put the medicine on, which causes krispin to call me "ol' greazy eye".
school started and i am busy busy busy not yet actually doing schoolwork but realizing the enormity of my bible and theology classes, and how little i understand social life at multnomah. i realized the other day that i am not a socialite, and that is ok.
because there are bigger things in my life right now, co-workers going through crisis and moving away, a fiance with a new house with walls to paint, a mom who i already missed although i've not moved out yet, sisters just back from africa with insane stories to tell (i love new sudan!), and last but not least, my somali family is learning to grieve in america.
hassan died a week ago today, in his sleep at the hospital. i am grateful to god because he allowed me one last great interaction with hassan, which involved him sitting on the bed in his hospital gown, reading me the first story he had ever written (he was learning to read and write in somali for the first time at age 50), gesturing wildly and peering intently at the large, childlike letters that he himself had written.
the story was about jenny and i, and how we asked hassan questions about his life. the questions were simple, like: "what is africa?" and "how you come [to america]?". and the rest of the story was him answering us.
i was so honored to be a part of his first story. and honored that i got to have that experience with him
now majuma has to find a job in the next couple of weeks because they lived off of hassan's ssi checks, which they were forced to return for the month of september.
the girls started school two days after their father had died.
i am now so busy between school and working full time that i now have to schedule in my visits with the somali's, which makes them feel sad.

no wonder i don't have time to be a socialite.

but today i have a real day off, and i think i am going to go to the zoo. oh, and run a lot of errands.
and be grateful for the time that we have.

a bit of silliness, really.

and the world keeps turnin' round and round

well, it has been over two months since i've blogged, and there are many reasons for that:
1. this blog is no longer mysterious
2. i haven't had a lot of free time available
3. i haven't felt emotionally isolated in a long time.

so, that's that.
and then i woke up today in a large, nicely furnished house in the suburbs, cold and all alone. the air is thick with moisture, and makes you feel groggy when you wake up. it reminds me of being on family vacations in seattle when i was a kid. the fog of the northwest was amazing to me, something special to look forward to. now, it just makes me feel wistful, and reminds me when i had long blonde braids and i was so utterly self-confident in who i was. i knew that i was a child of god, just like i knew that there was nothing better then reading a good story or sitting quietly and getting lost in the conversation of the adults.

august is here, with school bills and pressing deadlines (oh man, i am getting married, which requires a wedding to take place).

the summer went by like juneandjuly, all close together and seamless, one day after the next. busy, rewarding, strangely relaxing. last summer was the pirate summer, me and my younger sister at war with ourselves and the comfortableness of clackamas. this summer is the mayfield summer, where i learned that when you love somebody, you get a whole second family in the bargain. i told krispin yesterday that i felt like i had grown leaps and bounds. i used to be that little braided blonde girl, so content to be alone, happy and undisturbed. and then i met krispin, and my world expanded into the 30 plus mayfield relatives and the whole town of roseburg, and i realized that i am not alone any more. its highly uncomfortable, but worth every awkward encounter.

today part of me wishes that i was eleven again, and that i really had woken up at my cousins house in seattle, where i would drink orange juice, go wherever my family went, and be content to stare out the window, listening to my sisters chatter. but i know that i here now, and i will be heading downtown soon, ready to engage and keep my eyes wide open. i have had to learn to that the world is so much bigger than myself.

huckleberry merriweather strannigan-mayfield, aged 6 weeks and 1 day.

tell me more, tell me more

well, i did it.
i think i was prophetic in my last post. i had planned on rescuing a kitten from a garage sale when my parents went to alaska for 3 weeks this summer, but the plan was put into place much earlier. two nights ago i had a dream that i got two kittens and a mother cat who was white with black and brown spots and who turned into a sailboat and sailed away. when i woke up, my mom called me and told me that she was at a garage sale and that there was one kitten left that needed a good home. i woke up krispin and we went and got our new gray-striped love kitten, Huckleberry.
she is my new favorite.

in other news, summer is here, complete with too many hours spent at starbucks and the ability to read and devour literature.

here are some lists.

books i have read thus far (summer 2007)
Persuasion --Jane Austen
O Pioneers!--Willa Cather

books i am in the midst of (and aim to finish)
One Hundred Years of Solitude--Gabriel Garcia Marquez
East of Eden--John Steinbeck
The Fortress of Solitude--Jonatham Lethem
Everything is Illuminated--Jonathon Safron Foer
The Book of Exodus

books i have every intention of reading
The Heavenly Man--Brother Yun
Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Galatians, Ephesians, Colossions
Something by somebody russian.

that's it. it's summer time, i am in a brightly lit room with a bundle of fuzz and my sister is on her way over. we are going to see pirates of the caribbean. booyah.

please come shine on me

some developments. recent ones.

school ended without much fanfare and with the usual melancholy feeling in the pit of my stomach. i turned in papers in which i didn't fully digest anything and yet will still get an A. i took some finals, and for the first time discovered what it is like to look at a page full of questions and not know an answer to any of them (Revelation and Botany). i talked to people in both the student ministries department and financial aid, and was reduced to tears by the end of it all.

i was angry, exhausted, disappointed, and yet relieved. it was over. and luckily i know that i am always taken care of in the long run.

so yesterday i celebrated the end of everything. my co-workers have long complained that i am never around to hang out with, which is quite true. i haven't been anywhere but everywhere for the past several months, and my spirit has suffered for it. i feel an emptiness at the thought of hours to myself, of free time not consumed with work--good strong work, that makes me feel as if i am doing something worthwhile. it always takes me awhile to transition back into stillness with christ. right now i still feel slightly anxious. but we have been reading exodus together, just for fun, at night when it is still warm enough for me to leave the window open right by my bed. and he is there. in my room, in the book of exodus, in my life.

hanging out with co-workers was frightening for me and my social anxiety, but i got through. one vodka tonic, one order of potato pancakes, 5 formerly work acquaintances only, and one amazing haircut later, i realized that summer truly is an organic thing. you wait around long enough, and you make things happen. i look forward to seeing what is going to happen.

my love is not leaving for china, there are kittens to be rescued from garage sales, there are possessions to be gotten rid of, there are days to sleep in past 9, there are cut-offs to be made, there are people to pour into, people to question and challenge and hear and love.

also, there are folk bands to be formed.

they'll be shouting on the hills of glory, shouting on the hills of god

so i lost my car, my phone, and my financial aid from multnomah in the space of ten days.
it was a rough week.
but, here are the good news:

1. my parents are giving me a car! yeah, it is a lovely and comfortable camry, very suburban and work casual, complete with several scratches that i put on it several years ago. i am so excited and overwhelmed.

2. somebody found my phone! i lost it at mt. tabor, and although it has taken a week, i talked to a girl yesterday who found it. so i should be getting it today. what a weird world.

3. tearing up in the financial aid office does a little bit of good, evidently. when they told me they had cut my aid by over 2/3's, i was at a loss. i refuse to go into debt. i refuse to believe that they did this on purpose knowing that this was my last semester at multnomah.
frankly, i was just upset at the entire institution.
but i got an e-mail yesterday saying that they were just going to go ahead and give me some more money. it's not as much as i was getting, but still . . . it's something.


there you go. i've been taken care of again.

other things:
i got my little promotion at work, krispin bought me roses, i don't have to work or go to school today, there is folk music on right now (thank you KBOO on saturday mornings! i love you!), and this semester will soon be something i laugh about as:
"well, that was a rough time, wasn't it? man, i'm sure glad that's over. mmmm, yeah.
life lessons learned."

a moment of silence

these are times of extremes, times of remorse and ruination. let me explain.

i destroyed gladys, my faithful car. she was named after the wonderful, life-giving missionary in china who rescuded thousands of orphans from the hands of japanese soldiers. like her namesake, gladys the car was frugal and plain to look at, with an engine of gold. i loved that car. two of my friends got into accidents in that car, and i myself got in one. i loved not worrying about it; gladys was ugly to begin with, and nothing could destroy her.
nothing, i guess, but me.
i forgot to put oil in her. i wish i was kidding, but i thought the orange flashing sign meant that i should go to jiffy lube soon to get oil. a simple mistake killed the one car who treated me right.
last night me and krispin felt gladys a shutterin' and a shakin' on the I-84. i prayed over her, but gladys only made it to the foster road exit. she died right outside the new copper penny at 11:03 on a wednesday night. it was the first time i ever had to call my dad in the middle of the night to come pick me up, and he was gracious as usual. i was extremely grateful for krispin and his being male, because no girl ever wants to be stranded on foster and 82 at night.
today, i realized what life is like without a car: stressful. i drove my mom to work, took krispin back to school, met with my professor to make sure i wasn't failing my ethics class, got some coffee to calm my nerves, and drove to gladys to meet the tow truck driver.
he was very nice, with shorts and white socks and black tennis shoes. he had on a large oversized shirt that said "Sith happens", complete with a picture of the dark lord.
i followed him to the auto shop, paid up, and went to pick up my dad at his office. on the way, the shop called me and told me that gladys was gone for good.
i walked into my dad's office feeling like i was 16 years old, and as soon as i saw him i burst into tears. i sobbed out my story and he reacted as he always does when confronted with one of the extremely emotional strannigan women: he took me out to lunch and we discussed my new plan of action. i forget that my dad never, ever gets mad in situations like these. and it always reminds me of how poorly i understand grace.
krispin commondered a car and came out to clackamas for moral support. and we proceeded to have the best afternoon. i took care of everything with the auto shop and got my car ready to be taken by the wrecking company. we ripped up the dashboard, which was fun, and then went back to my house for 3 episodes of the office, tacos, and sitting in my room in the friscallating dusklight.

i feel strangely taken care of. i don't know why it feels so strange. maybe i am just realizing after all how not in control of my life i am. it feels good.
well, pretty good. i still am poor as it is possible to be in my demographic.

love, actually

tomorrow is wednesday, my somali day, and i am dreading it.
things are happening, change is in the air, and i don't like the way it makes me feel. i am beginning to become a little bit afraid of everything.
it is that fear that is more like a nag, a quiet little thought that is firm and gray as cement and that lodges itself it for the long haul. luckily, i am busy all of the time and rarely have to confront my cement thoughts, but they have started to pile up and i can't escape it any longer.
i fear comittment, i fear dissapointing people, i fear i have no traits of character, i fear that i talk to much, i fear that people are bored with me, i fear not being taken care of, i fear money in all of it's forms, i fear pointless responsibility, i fear not being nice, i fear people not liking me, i fear not listening to christ ever.
i think the last one is the one i need to worry about the most, judging by my list.
last week halima didn't want to hang out with me. she went and did homework with other kids and volunteers instead. i was crushed. the other two girls hung out with me in the apartment and told me all of the nasty things that other kids had been saying about me.
this too, was crushing. before, i had been untouchable, "danielle the volunteer" a friend and somewhat minimal presence in the lives of most of the kids at kateri. but now, it is okay to say that they hate me, that i am mean, that i am a christian (in a nasty way), that my morals are not pure. it felt like a little death. my reputation had been killed.
"well," i said, sighing when the girls told me, "what did you say to these kids that were talking about me?"
"oh," said nadifa, "we say, 'danielle is not like that, she is not that way'".
"thanks," i said. "thanks for saying that. because it is not true. i am not that way."

i know that this is spiritual battle, hands down. i stumbled upon a shady koran school at the complex and shared the easter story in the space of a few weeks. i'm not stupid. i knew there would be some recompense.

and here it is, i guess. i am here, living in my fear, befriending people who increasingly don't want to be my friend. i love them so much that it feels like i am losing some of my closest friends, and it's true. i see those girls more often than i see many of my friends.
but i can't shut down. i can't be cemented like this, in these thoughts. i will cling to this love that i have, the love that is somewhat poorly mirrored on what i have recieved from christ.

i'm crying right now, but i am taking it as a good sign.

thursday is my birthday, i hope that they will show

well, my birthday was a couple of days ago. usually it is a time of reflection for me, a time of thinking about where i have been and where i am going. this birthday, however, i did none of that. i was busy all morning, alone in a swirl of traffic, homework, class, and working at the library. and then there were friends and davids bridal (bridesmaid) dresses to deal with. and more driving. and then there was a very fun birthday party with chuck e cheese and i felt alternately extremely young (i rocked the ddr) and extremely old (i am now 23 and engaged to some one 3 years my junior). thankfully, my family prayed over me, which was wonderful.
but i never once sat down with christ to talk to him.
today i woke up more stressed than ever about school and my procrastinatin' ways. but in spite of all of that, i knew knew knew that i had to be alone with the lord.
so i did. it didn't fix all of my problems; in fact, i still have loads of stuff to do. i'm still selfish and i eat too much food and i let resentment gnaw at my bones and if left to my own devices i would sleep all the day long . . . but that's ok. i am more than the sum of my flaws.
i am a believer, and i have been asked to persevere to the end.

sorry if this all sounds so preachy. this is what happens when you mix real life with bible college. i feel so conflicted but there is the river of truth that runs underneath everything.
and for that, i am grateful.

af maay maay interpretation

we were driving along, three beautiful brown girls and one pasty white 20-something, enjoying the mid-afternoon early spring sun.
halima and nadifa were chattering away in their gorgeous yet intelligible language when i interrupted to make them share with me what they were saying. "oh", said halima. "i was just telling her, remember when we lived at 122nd? and we didn't know danielle?" "oh yeah," i said. "i remember when i met you.""yeah," she said. "now we friends." and she turned and stared dreamily out the window.
that pretty much made my day.

ransom

here are a couple of things i have been thinking about tonight, as i sit bored out of my mind in the john g. mitchell library during missions conference week. 4 hours down, and 1 to go:

1. beware of taking somali children to see a movie in a movie theater. jenni and i took our families (along with her sister and krispin) and it was a bust. we saw charlotte's web (great book, terrible movie), which the kids hated. abdulihi fell asleep. everybody got grossed out by charlotte the spider. and the kids were . . . bored. come to find out that their brother/uncle/cousin (i never quite know) had gotten an illegal copy of the movie from the asian market and they had seen it already. i also forget that these kids aren't exactly children either; at one point during the movie maryan pointed at the two crows onscreen and informed me that "those are the birds that eat the dead people", referencing her life in africa.

2. beware of american weddings. i know, i know, i have 10 months. but the way people have been treating me, it's like i have 10 days. here is what i don't want:
a. no stuffy wedding-ness.
b. no monogrammed napkins.
c. no extravagant waste of money.

here is what i do want:
a. missionary wedding!
this means the color scheme is that of a globe (brown, green, and blue), i want to buy everything second hand (from the dress to the decorations), i don't want to register anywhere for gifts, and i think it should be held in an old church with orange pews with a potluck reception containing deviled eggs, cocktail weiners, jello-salad (green, natch), and cupcakes instead of the traditional stuff.
give me suggestions, people.

3. beware of literal interpretations of books of prophecy. the book of revelation is crazy. i feel like i am in a bad sci-fi movie when i try and envision all of the things it is talking about. so i try not to, because i don't think that's what the original author intended. but still. what the heck does it all mean? i'm reading matthew as a counter-balance, and i am finding comfort in the sermon on the mount.
actually, i am just trying to find comfort in christ. period.

you remind me of home.

the engagement story.

two weeks ago, as we were casually hanging out, krispin announced that he had been doing some thinking. "there are two things," he said. "one, i think we should be in a band together." i agreed. "and two, i think we should get married. in december." i agreed to that as well. it was all very low-key and danielle and krispin-like. the next day he asked my parents, and they were thrilled to the bone.
now, both krispin and i are the epitome of poor bible college students, and i have never been a traditionalist. i absolutely did not want krispin breaking his back to get me a diamond ring that i would most likely lose on the mission field. and so, we talked to my mom and she produced my great-grandmother's engagement ring, a beautifully simple gold band with single pearl.
then, all krispin had to do was figure out a way to surprise me.
last week was extremely busy for both krispin and i, in fact, i hardly saw him. on saturday, we had made plans to hang out after i got off of work. krispin had told me that his friend jacob was coming in from out of town, and that we were going to go hang out in downtown portland with him. i was a little bummed that my one afternoon with krispin was going to be shared with jacob, but i was excited about seeing him regardless.
after i got off work and drove home, i noticed a note taped to the back door that showed a boy holding hands with a girl who had a house for a head. i was extremely confused. the only person who wrote me strange little notes was krispin, and i was supposed to pick him up at multnomah in an hour. i walked inside my house to find a table set with ornate chinese place settings, complete with a heart made out of red chili peppers. krispin was in the process of cooking a gourmet chinese meal (from scratch, using authentic ingredients from the local asian grocery store). as soon as he saw me, he proposed. he was extremely nervous, which i thought was cute.
basically, he explained the note like this:
"i've lived in a lot of places, and i'm going to live in a lot more places, but you are home to me."
and, if you can't already tell, i said yes.


my three favorite things right now:
dark chocolate
matthew chapters 5-7
being engaged to krispin.

goodbye mom hair

hello danielle hair.

i ate it, and i loved every bite.

i had a couple of firsts today: my first p.e. class ever, and my first middle school science fair ever.
i know, both of these would logically be experienced in middle school, but i was homeschooled.
so here i am now, taking woman's weight training at multnomah, and acting like i am the surrogate mom to halima, an 8th grader.
the science fair especially was so weird. first of all, all of the exhibits were horrendously ugly, but not as ugly as the ones the esl kids made. i felt so bad for them. they obviously had no idea what they were doing. all of the esl kids (around 20) were placed into groups of three and did experiments with "exercise and heart rate". the kids were supposed to stand in front of their booth and explain their project to the passing judges. it was painful to watch halima and osman struggle their way through a simple explanation. i don't think they had a clue what they were doing.
halima introduced me to her teacher, a very nice woman (the kind of person who dedicates their life to children and who doesn't color her hair or wear make-up and who drape shawls around her shoulders instead of wearing a coat) and she told me that it was mandatory by state law that all of the kids enter a science project, and so the esl kids were told that they just had to struggle their way through.

there were jr. highers running around everywhere, and the gym was hot and sweaty. i stood next to halima and osman's project and tried not to look too out of place. it must have worked, for one judge asked me to tell him about my project. i politely deferred to the real middle schooler and snuck off to stand by the bleachers and observe kids. it was terrifying. all of the girls are mature physically, with breasts and hips and blow-dried hair and eye-liner and sassy tight t-shirts, but the boys all look like they are ten years old and incapable of any real conversation. thus, the attempts at flirting are somewhat painful to watch. girls at this age seem to be starting to realize the full grasp of their physical powers, and the boys are doing everything they can not to care. my favorites were the 6th grade boys, who actually don't care yet, and who are still consumed with things like science and dirt bikes and anything that makes weird noises.
some girls, make-up applied and t-shirts snug, walked past halima, who was strikingly beautiful with her head covering and her wide, perfect brown face. "hi", she called out loudly and abruptly, as she is want to do. the girls turned and stared. they were silent for a couple of seconds. "oh. hi." and then they walked off. halima turned to me. "they my friends," she said, still blissfully unaware of the crueler realities of american jr. high.
i was both incredibly sad and happy for halima, and for all of the somali bantu.
but i know she will make it. and i am so glad i get to have these experiences every week. tonight i ate a banana for the first time since i was 8. i hate banana's. but when an earnest african child gives you one of her favorite foods to eat, what else are you going to do?
i ate it, and i loved every bite.
a good metaphor for my life right now.

i love my sister

hey hey i made a cake for my sister's 21st birthday. laura helped. she is the one who drew the picture. she can't stop writing the word "love".
i started school today, i don't think i will be a stress case this time around, however. the bible is the living word.

the obligatory january blog

well, it's 2007. i had the lamest new year's eve. i don't think that 2007 is going to be lame, however.
it's the year of living missionally, of a gospel-centered life, of purposeful walking, yellow clothes, crocheted mittens, remembering guitar chords, of not letting fear crawl inside and live.

happy new year.