love, actually

tomorrow is wednesday, my somali day, and i am dreading it.
things are happening, change is in the air, and i don't like the way it makes me feel. i am beginning to become a little bit afraid of everything.
it is that fear that is more like a nag, a quiet little thought that is firm and gray as cement and that lodges itself it for the long haul. luckily, i am busy all of the time and rarely have to confront my cement thoughts, but they have started to pile up and i can't escape it any longer.
i fear comittment, i fear dissapointing people, i fear i have no traits of character, i fear that i talk to much, i fear that people are bored with me, i fear not being taken care of, i fear money in all of it's forms, i fear pointless responsibility, i fear not being nice, i fear people not liking me, i fear not listening to christ ever.
i think the last one is the one i need to worry about the most, judging by my list.
last week halima didn't want to hang out with me. she went and did homework with other kids and volunteers instead. i was crushed. the other two girls hung out with me in the apartment and told me all of the nasty things that other kids had been saying about me.
this too, was crushing. before, i had been untouchable, "danielle the volunteer" a friend and somewhat minimal presence in the lives of most of the kids at kateri. but now, it is okay to say that they hate me, that i am mean, that i am a christian (in a nasty way), that my morals are not pure. it felt like a little death. my reputation had been killed.
"well," i said, sighing when the girls told me, "what did you say to these kids that were talking about me?"
"oh," said nadifa, "we say, 'danielle is not like that, she is not that way'".
"thanks," i said. "thanks for saying that. because it is not true. i am not that way."

i know that this is spiritual battle, hands down. i stumbled upon a shady koran school at the complex and shared the easter story in the space of a few weeks. i'm not stupid. i knew there would be some recompense.

and here it is, i guess. i am here, living in my fear, befriending people who increasingly don't want to be my friend. i love them so much that it feels like i am losing some of my closest friends, and it's true. i see those girls more often than i see many of my friends.
but i can't shut down. i can't be cemented like this, in these thoughts. i will cling to this love that i have, the love that is somewhat poorly mirrored on what i have recieved from christ.

i'm crying right now, but i am taking it as a good sign.